


Interview

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Crying, Episode: s05e16 Doctor Bashir I Presume, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, POV Miles O'Brien, Realization, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-31 05:23:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17843282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Miles realizes that he's in love with Julian during his interview with Lewis Zimmerman.





	Interview

Miles was incredibly proud of Julian. He didn't completely understand the LMH or its purpose, but he understood that it was a huge honor to have been chosen as the model for it, and he was sure that nobody deserved that honor more than Julian did. His friend was truly extraordinary and remarkably talented, and it was because of that talent that Miles was now shifting awkwardly in his seat as Dr. Zimmerman interviewed him, trying to give as little information about his thoughts about Julian as possible. So yes, he was proud, but at the moment, his nervousness and discomfort were starting to mask that.

Dr. Zimmerman set down the PADD he'd been working on to look at Miles, sighing exhaustedly before picking up another PADD to his left. He tapped at it for a few seconds then said, "Hello, Miles. Thank you for letting me interview you." (He sounded more annoyed than thankful, Miles thought.) "I am just going to ask you a few questions about your," he continued, glancing at his notes again, "friend."

The pause before "friend" made Miles uncomfortable. Was he trying to imply something? Miles dismissed it (or tried to, anyway) and replied, "Yes." Then, not wanting to give Dr. Zimmerman any more reasons to dislike him as he apparently did, he added, "sir," cringing at the delay between the two words.

Dr. Zimmerman rolled his eyes dramatically and unsubtly before asking, "So, how long have you and Dr. Bashir known each other?"

Miles sat up; that was a question that he could answer quite easily. "The doctor and I met when we both first came to the station, about four or so years ago."

"And you two were fast friends?"

Miles almost snorted. "No, sir. In fact, I hated Julian when I first met him. He would never shut up, and he was always showing off. And flirting."

Dr. Zimmerman raised his right eyebrow and looked right at Miles for the first time since the interview had started. "With whom?"

"Sir?"

Dr. Zimmerman sighed. "With _whom_ was Dr. Bashir always flirting? You?"

"What? No, sir. With women. Just women. He likes women. A lot," Miles insisted rapidly, although he suspected it wasn't true—not completely, at least. He could feel the color rising to his cheeks. _It was just an embarrassing question. That's all._

"Okay, then," Dr. Zimmerman replied in an almost amused tone. "Then I'm assuming the exact nature of your relationship is…"

"Friends. We're just friends," Miles practically spat out, cringing at his ridiculous word choice. He was going to give Dr. Zimmerman the wrong idea about him. _Or the right one_ , niggled a voice in the back of his mind, but he ignored it.

"Tell me more about him," Dr. Zimmerman continued, back to working absentmindedly on his PADD.

"Well, he's very smart. And he's an incredible racquetball player. And good at darts, too, though he still can't beat me." He thought for a minute. "This is completely confidential, right?"

Dr. Zimmerman seemed genuinely surprised by this question. Miles hadn't been saying anything bad about Julian (beside for the fact that Miles was the superior darts player, if that counted); usually, people only asked that before they insulted the person in question, but Miles seemed to deeply love Julian. _Maybe that's why_ , Dr. Zimmerman realized. "You can rest assured that I will keep anything you say in the strictest confidence."

Miles still seemed nervous. "You're sure about that? I wouldn't want this to get back to Julian."

"You have my word."

"Well, the truth is he's an extraordinary person. A real sense of honor and integrity, great sense of humor, warm, caring. You're sure he's not going to read this."

Frustrated at this point, Dr. Zimmerman insisted, "Positive."

Miles looked away and inhaled deeply as if he was about to say something very important. "Honestly, I don't know anyone like him. When you're around him, it's like you're the focus of his entire world; all of his energy is centered on you. And he loves to tease you, but in a way that makes you feel appreciated and wanted, and I don't know anyone like that. And I really do lov-." He stood up abruptly and then sat back down. "I love him."

"What a surprise," Dr. Zimmerman responded sarcastically.

"To me it is. I-," Miles paused, "I'm sorry, sir. I have to go. I have to find Julian."

Dr. Zimmerman rolled his eyes. "Fine, then. You weren't of much help, anyway. Too busy blushing about your crush to actually be of any assistance." But Miles didn't hear him; he was already gone.

***

Miles found Julian almost immediately, working on some research in the infirmary. Julian didn't notice him at first; he was too distracted by his work. Miles almost went in and was about to call out to his friend when he remembered Keiko. Horrified at himself, he stepped backward out of the infirmary and into the hall before running toward his quarters, shoving aside concerned civilians and officers alike as he did so. By the time he got back to his quarters, he was crying.

Fortunately, Keiko and the children weren't home. Miles collapsed on the couch in the main room, crying, ashamed and remorseful. Before he knew it, he was talking to himself.

"Miles, you idiot. Why would you ever think that that was a good idea? You have a beautiful wife and two incredible children. Why don't you think about them for a change? And even if you didn't, how could risk throwing away your friendship with Julian like that? He could have anyone—you don't even deserve to be his friend. This is probably just a phase, anyway."

Even as he said this, though, Miles knew that it wasn't. And he also knew that he had to tell Julian how he felt. But with everything going on with Dr. Zimmerman and the LMH, he couldn't bear to give Julian something else to worry about; he didn't want to be any more of a burden than he already was. So he decided to wait.

***

Of course, everything quickly changed, and not in the way that Miles had been hoping it would. His friend—the man he was in love with—was going to slip away from him forever, and he felt hopeless to stop it from happening.

"There must be something we can do. We can't just give up," Miles insisted, not quite believing it himself and feeling on the verge of tears.

"There is something I can do. Resign before Dr. Zimmerman files his report." Julian looked sad and hopeless, and his expression seemed alien to Miles, who had never seen him that way before. He felt like he was looking at someone he didn't even know, yet someone he was in love with nonetheless. _Not the time, Miles. He has bigger problems to be worrying about right now. Don't make this worse for him._

There was nothing could say. "Oh, Julian."

"It's over, Miles." And it was. And Miles knew it, too; he knew it to be true far beyond how Julian did, and it ached him that he couldn't admit it to him. "I always knew this could happen. Now it has. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to be alone."

***

As fate would have it, that wasn't the end, and the pair of them were playing darts together again within a few days. But losing Julian had been so close and real, and Miles wasn't willing to risk it again. "It was a bad idea, anyway," he told himself that night, even though it really wasn't.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I didn't edit this at all, so I'm sorry if it sucks. Any feedback, positive or negative, would be greatly appreciated, but please keep it constructive!
> 
> I love this pairing, and it makes me sad that there aren't more works for it, probably because Garashir (also a great ship, by the way) is so popular. I was rewatching this episode and was struck by Miles's interview with Dr. Zimmerman, which inspired me to write this. I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> If you want to talk to me about Star Trek or anything else, I'm always available on Tumblr, @foughfaugh.
> 
> Also, sorry the title is lame. I'm not creative, and when I finished this, I didn't feel like waiting to put it up, so I just wrote down the first title I could think of.
> 
> Finally, I just want to thank chakoteya.net, whose transcripts I referenced several times throughout the fic. Her work is so helpful!


End file.
